This post was supposed to be about Elul, how this time of year is joyous and also tinged with dread, community, my yearly identity crisis, etc. But it all felt very superficial and insincere. Then a friend posted the following status to Facebook:
Some of my favorite folks are suffering from crazy suicidal ideation. Please name one small thing you would miss if you were dead.
Somehow, listing some of the things I would miss seems like a better way to mark Elul in a way that feels true to me.
- The pain-in-the-ass fourth graders I teach on Sunday, but who somehow manage to endear themselves to me
- Finding a hidden treasure in the archives
- A brand new notebook and fancy writing implements
- The haunting and beautiful quiet one finds in an empty sanctuary
- Asking questions
- Wandering through the siddur while paying absolutely no attention to the actual service
- The relief I feel after completing a new exhibit
- The pep talks via text from my friends
- The unexpected joy of putting complete trust in another person
- Receiving an unexpected text that makes me smile
- Simply being with someone else and not needing to fill the quiet
- Being able to steal away for a few hours and be completely selfish in the pursuit of self-care