On Motherhood

When I started dating Stephen, I was beyond nervous to meet his children, Tinnin and Oliver. I’ve always been awkward with kids, despite teaching at the religious school for several years at that point, and I was just worried about how they would react to their papa dating me. But they were both warm and kind, easily welcoming me into the fold. Over the past three years, they have both grown into remarkable humans and are sure of themselves and who they are, which I am continually amazed by.

When Stephen and I got married, I made sure to write something to them in my vows.

I want you to know that I love both of you very much and am so grateful and privileged to be part of your lives. You have brought me a lot of joy alongside your papa and your little sister is already so very lucky to have you as her siblings. You have welcomed me into your family and that means more than I can ever say. Please know that you can always count on me to support and help you however I can.

It was important to me that they knew that I wasn’t trying to replace their mom and that I wasn’t trying to force a relationship, but that I was there as another adult who would support them. I think I have done that. They both sent me sweet messages today and I am well aware that I hit the jackpot with them.

When I found out I was pregnant with Eliza, I was excited, but also scared. I was terrified that I wouldn’t be a good mom because I didn’t have my own mom here to guide me. I didn’t think I was nurturing enough or, frankly, a good enough human being. But Eliza has brought me a new softness, as many of my friends will attest to. She’s taught me how to be more patient and gentle and more silly. She’s only two(!), but she is already such a curious and independent little girl and I still can’t believe I helped to make such a joyful little human.

All of this makes me miss Mom even more. I wish she was here to meet Stephen and our children. Becoming a mom has made me love her even more, because now I understand better what she must have gone through and struggled with as she raised me. I don’t know how she managed to do it by herself, but I’m so proud to be her daughter and I hope she would be proud of me.