Day 95

I am so overwhelmed from this material. The grief brain fog is messing with my ability to understand and process Buber’s theology. It probably doesn’t help that I just don’t connect to the material. But it’s been an incredible learning experience so far and I love the cohort I’m in.

I led services this morning with a few of my classmates. It was a powerful experience, which was enhanced by the good mood I was in. Before I ended with the Kaddish, I read the following poem:

I’m always surprised when people ask me about my mom, especially when it’s people I’ve just met or wouldn’t necessarily talk to about this. I have found that it helps a lot to talk about her because she was so closed off. I’ve made a conscious decision to not be like her in that regard and that means being open. It also means trusting my gut and pushing myself out of my comfort zone, which I think I’ve done pretty well, especially in the last six days, and it has been suprisingly easy in a way I never expected.

I’ve mentioned that my mom loved butterflies. Every time I see a butterfly now, I think of her and I’ve been seeing them more lately in unexpected places. I like to think that’s a sign from my mom, maybe sort of her giving me her blessing for how I’m moving forward and embracing this new happy experience wholeheartedly. I feel like my heart has burst open and while the thought that this could disappear at any moment lurks in the back of my mind, I’m not going to shy away from it.