Day 7

My mom was buried a week ago, which now marks the end of the shiva period. My original plan was to take off the kriah ribbon to mark the end of shiva, but I’m hesitant. It feels wrong to take it off, maybe because it’s a quiet outward expression of my grief or maybe because it feels like yet another piece of my mom that I’m losing, if that makes any sense. Is that weird? It feels weird.

There are times when I’ve cried so hard, my chest hurts and then there are times when I forget that my mom is gone and everything feels normal, at least until I’m reminded that she has died. I feel numb and raw and lost. I keep wondering if Mom knew how much I loved her at the end. When I visited early last month after two weeks of not going due to her having been exposed to Covid and me traveling, she started crying and mumbled something to the effect of “You left me alone” and that’s sticking in my mind. Logically, I know I did the best I could and I know she knew how much I loved her, but the doubts still remain.

I think I’m going to wear the kriah ribbon through the end of shloshim. That feels right. The shiva candle is about to burn out, so that will mark the end of this period. I’m just not ready to let go of the ribbon yet.