In the past couple of weeks, I have:
- Lost my keys and subsequently found them in my lunchbox…in the fridge.
- Been caught off-guard by seemingly simple things that suddenly have me wanting to cry
- Lost my keys at work, cried because I had literally just set them down, and found them…in my office that I was searching…on a cart….underneath files
- Found myself looking forward to the buzz of a full Temple on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and also dreading how lost I will inevitably still feel…even after being in the community for over 8 years
- Wondered if I was a good Jew
- Wondered if I was a good daughter
- Wondered if I would ever feel completely comfortable in the Jewish community
Despite all of this, it has been a good year overall and it’s ending with the promise of good change.
Right now I am at Temple, in my office, door closed. I’ve been alternately listening to the hustle and bustle outside, listening to podcasts, and working on my latest crafty obsession. I keep telling myself that I’ll make the decision as to where I spend the actual service at the very last minute, but I already know that I’ll be here in my office, livestreaming.
Why bother being at Temple if I’m going to end up livestreaming the service anyway? Believe me, I’ve asked myself this questions so many times and the only thing I can think of is that being in the building allows me to be with community, on my own terms. I realized this morning that I’ve been much more open with people about how I observe Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. I’m not ashamed anymore because this is my way of embracing my faith without forcing myself to do so much emotional labor, emotional labor that always leaves me drained and disenchanted. I think I’m finally okay with that and I know it won’t always be like this.
Shanah tova, may this new Jewish year bring sweetness to us all.