Tonight Jews begin the counting of the Omer. I’m part of a cohort of artists that are exploring the Omer in different creative ways. I decided to start posting here everyday, as well as explore the Omer through watercolors. I realized that I’ve been neglecting my creative side due to the many outside pressures that currently haunt me and I’ve definitely been bottling up a lot of emotions. I’ve lost friendships in the past three months, lost some trust in someone I thought I could always go to, and I’m trying to figure out how to balance my increasing caretaker role and what I want to do with my life. I’ve never been any good with change and when I look around, I see so much of it and feel like a stranger in my own life. I know the antidepressants are doing their job because I haven’t completely broken down, but I worry about what happens when I finally burst.
I am also quietly celebrating the eighth anniversary of my conversion. I attended a friend’s conversion ceremony on Zoom last week and I cried. It was a touching ceremony and it also reminded me of how different my ceremony was, plus so much has changed in the past three months and I’m deeply overwhelmed.
When I was 23, if you had told me how much my life would change, I would have scoffed and told you to go away. I have never regretted converting because it opened my world and gave me a purpose. It hasn’t been easy and there are days when I question if I should just give up, but I know this is where I belong.