I’ve been questioning everything I do much more frequently lately. All the things I’ve been fighting or advocating for, have I really made progress or am I spinning my wheels? Is anything I do even worth it anymore?
I thought I had made some headway in my professional life, only to be slapped down. The worst part is that I don’t even know if I should say anything because I’m tired of having to fight for every little thing. I shouldn’t have to keep doing this and yet, here I am.
The other thing I’ve noticed is how little social interaction I want these days. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to anyone, I do, but I’m just exhausted from trying to manage my emotions. It just seems to be easier to be alone because I don’t have to worry about how I’m perceived.
I told someone I trust that I’ve been finding it hard to turn to my friends because I’m at such a different phase in life right now. They said that we don’t necessarily need our friends to give advice, we just need them to listen. That made sense until I tried to confide in a friend and was interrupted by very pointed questions about some small detail, like why couldn’t I just find a new place for my mom and me to live? They acted as if it was so easy for me to change that, but it’s not. The class divide is real, even among those of us who are middle class. I remember getting made fun of by former coworkers when I mentioned that my mom and me were going to the washateria. Why didn’t I have a washer and dryer at home, like normal people? That hurt and it clearly still bothers me all these years later.
I’m not really sure why I’m sharing so much tonight. This week was brutal and I feel completely drained.