Day 118

The past few days have been weird, though I can’t quite put my finger on why I feel that way. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve had some good chunks of time by myself or that last week’s anniversary affected me more than I thought. I just know that I’ve been thinking a lot about Mom.

I’ve somehow focused on the last few days of her life and the day she was buried. I keep looking at the pictures I took around that time, which includes screenshots of texts that I put into the journal I keep on my phone. In one text, I tell a friend that I can tell my mom is in the last few days of her life. On the day she died, I texted a friend and coworker asking if one of the clergy could come see my mom and mentioned that I could see my mom getting weaker. One of the rabbis came that day and was with me as one of my mom’s sisters visited. He also sat with me as I told my mom everything I wanted to say, including when I kissed her forehead and told her that it was okay if she needed to go before I came back the next day.

My relationship with my mom wasn’t perfect, but we were close. She was there for so many of my milestones and achievements and I think it just cuts much more deeply that she’s not here for this new and happy chapter of my life. I just keep thinking of everything I want to share with her, things I want her to see, people I want her to meet. I suppose these few days have been one of those waves of grief that come crashing down and I know that’s normal. I’m just concerned because I’ve felt the tears build up many times, but they haven’t come out yet.