Day 351

I don’t even know how to describe tonight,  but it was pretty wonderful. A friend hosted a pre-services oneg for us and we had family and friends join us. I had thought about buying a dress specifically for tonight, but eventually settled on the dress I wore to erev Rosh Hashanah services the past two years. It felt right and it was a way to keep adding on the good memories to the dress. 

Tonight’s services had a congregational dinner afterwards, so it was shortened and there were a lot more kids than usual. It was beautiful and chaotic and I was so proud to be a member especially since it was the first time Stephen’s family had come to Temple. 

I felt really nervous before the service knowing that we’d be up in front of a lot of people. I just don’t like being the center of attention, even for a short time. But being called up to the bimah and listening to Rabbi Kim’s beautiful words and Cantor Glikin’s gorgeous voice as I held Stephen’s hand while leaning on him was magical. I must have had the biggest smile on my face as we turned to face the crowd as they began singing Siman Tov U’Mazal Tov and left the bimah. 

I cried a lot this afternoon. I think realizing that Mom really won’t be here for one of the happiest and biggest moments of my life just hit hard. I miss her so much, but I know she’d be so happy for me. I’m trying to remember that as the wedding day approaches. I just wish she was here.