Day 297

My fiancée and I went to my storage unit to get some stuff. I hadn’t been in there in several months and, when combined with the time of year, a flood of memories and feelings came back. This time last year I was in a lot of emotional pain and turmoil and was moving quickly out of my childhood home. Remembering how lonely I felt then (even with the many friends who helped me move) and opening boxes and seeing more pieces of my mom made me break down and my fiancée just held me while I cried and wished she was here.

I opened one box and saw the paperwork from the hospital when I was born on top. My mom had kept that and the paper card they had put on my crib marking me as “baby girl Ruiz” who weighed 7 pounds, 3 ounces and was 20 inches long. My baby will also be known as baby girl Ruiz in the hospital, since she is taking my last name, which is kind of surreal.

When my fiancée and I finished up at the unit, we came home and I went through more boxes as he put up some artwork that we found. We went out earlier tonight to Target and then had a lovely dinner at a Chinese restaurant. When Mom died, I worried about what the holidays, particularly Christmas, would look like for me. I was concerned that it would be incredibly lonely and wreak havoc on my then-fragile mental health. I am happy to report that even though I have struggled with not having Mom here, I am far from lonely and spending time with loved ones.

Merry Christmas, Mama.