Day 204

A year ago today, my mom moved into a residential care home in what turned out to be the last phase of her life.

Seven months ago, she died.

I got some really happy news yesterday and I immediately wanted to call her. It feels like she’s been gone a lifetime, maybe because she has already missed so much. I often wonder what she would make of my life now. I think she would be really surprised and happy for me.

Seven months ago all I could think about was how much I had lost and how completely, utterly broken I felt. Today I am still grieving the loss of my mom, but life has exploded in the best possible way.

Sometimes I worry that I’m forgetting Mom, which is dumb and absolutely not possible. She may die again every day in different ways, but I also see her everywhere. I see her when I look in the mirror, whenever I see a butterfly, when I work on a crossword puzzle, when Maxine curls up next to me, when I look at her jewelry. Since getting the news yesterday, I feel her close, but I desperately wish she were here.

Yom Kippur begins Sunday evening. While I am still working on forgiving myself for all the things I feel like I did wrong in those last eight months of her life, I am also moving forward in a way that would make her happy. The next several months will be filled with a lot of joy and celebration and 5784 has already started off pretty spectacularly.

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