Day 31

Class didn’t go particularly well this morning. My brain isn’t functioning the way I need it to and I know it’s because of the stress of grief, but it’s only stressing me out even more. After I dismissed the kids, I went into my office and cried for a few minutes. I feel like I’m a terrible teacher and like I’m letting everyone down.

My mom had this habit of stashing away coins in piggy banks and bags and I’ve been finding them everywhere. I’ve taken the last few afternoons sorting the coins and wrapping them. It has been strangely soothing.

I was emptying a bag out onto my bedroom floor and a greeting card caught my attention. I opened the envelope and saw that it was a card I had given to Mom for Mother’s Day. Next month is going to be especially rough. My birthday is on May 7th, Mom’s is on May 11th, and Mother’s Day is on May 14th. I realize that I keep trying to anticipate my reactions and potential triggers, but it’s because I’m so scared that my mental health is on the edge of collapse at any minute and I want to prevent that from happening.

I know this pain of losing my mom will eventually turn into bittersweet memories, I just want to speed up that process and I know I can’t.