Religious school went fine. The class was aware of my mom’s death and I found some sweet cards from a few of them in my folder. There was one snarky comment that made me more mad than anything and I didn’t particularly enjoy telling them that I have no father, but I survived.
I have so much to do before Tuesday afternoon. I need to make a slideshow, write my drash, finish my tallit, and also do my homework and reading for class.
I am also in the last week of shloshim and I’ll take the kriah ribbon off Saturday evening. I’ve been wearing the gold Star of David that I found in my mom’s jewelry, along with a pair of her earrings and my grandma’s ring on Shabbat. I don’t know why I’ve held so rigidly to this ritual, but maybe it’s because it’s a way of having them around me.
It feels like the past few weeks have gone so slowly and flown by at the same time. I’m having trouble keeping track of the days and the brain fog is definitely still there. There are also times when I seem to disassociate and stare into the distance. I know I keep writing about my physical reactions to grief, but it just hasn’t gone the way I expected. I just want to feel okay and I don’t know when that will happen.
Deep breaths, long and slow…you will feel your new normal again, but you may not notice it right away. Did you ever see an old poster that said, ” love is like a butterfly – the more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you sit quietly, it will rest softly on your shoulder…” Life can be like that, too. You’ll get it…