Day 20

Today marks one month since Mom died. In a twisted coincidence, I also got notified that the death certificates had arrived and I picked them up this morning.

I’ve noticed that I want to talk about my mom a lot more. I don’t know if that’s healthy. I guess it’s a way of keeping her alive. I’m just kind of muddling through.

I keep going back and forth on what I want on my tallit. I’ve sewn the base and it looks pretty decent, if you don’t look at the underside. I think I’ve settled on a butterfly motif. My mom, when she was younger, used to catch butterflies and mount them. I have memories of her taking me to the garden area at Fair Park when the monarch butterflies were emerging from their cocoons. Plus, the last movie we watched together was Encanto, which has butterflies woven throughout the story. I’m planning on making butterflies out of fabric from my mom’s clothes. That feels right.

I keep having dreams that have my mom in them and I find myself wanting to talk to her all the time. But then I remember that she’s gone. It just doesn’t feel real and yet I know it is. I really miss her.