Day 175

I went to a shiva minyan this evening. It was kind of strange going through the service because I kept recalling how I felt during Mom’s burial and memorial service. During the silent t’filah, I flipped through the pages of the siddur and came across a poem Rabbi Kim shared during my mom’s burial:

‘Tis A Fearful Thing

‘Tis a fearful thing

to love what death can touch.

A fearful thing

to love, to hope, to dream, to be –

to be,

And oh, to lose.

A thing for fools, this,

And a holy thing,

a holy thing

to love.

For your life has lived in me,

your laugh once lifted me,

your word was gift to me.

To remember this brings painful joy. ‘

Tis a human thing, love,

a holy thing, to love

what death has touched.

Chaim Stern

I’m just in a weird place emotionally right now. Things are good overall, but it’s a lot of change and I’m still figuring out how to hold my grief in a way that lets me move forward. It’s been a lot of fumbling around in the dark, particularly because the person I would have gone to for advice, my mom, is gone. I know things will be okay, that’s the important part.