Happy Freaking Elul

It’s been a while since I last posted. So much has happened since then and once again, I find myself in the middle of Elul spirtually unprepared for the High Holy Days that begin in 11 days.

My mom is still in the hospital waiting for a nursing facility placement. One of the hardest things I have to explain every time I visit is why she can’t come home. I desperately want my mother home, but I know I can’t provide everything she needs and I also need to take care of myself, which would not be possible. It’s a hard truth that I’ve had to accept and I still go back and forth, though I know that a facility is the right place for her.

I was filling out some forms a few weeks ago and came to the part where you put down an emergency contact and completely froze. My mom has always been my emergency contact, but she can no longer fulfill that role. I cried for a good ten minutes as I processed that. When I finally got myself together, I realized that I had no one to put down, which prompted another round of tears. That has since changed, but it was a sobering reminder that life has changed drastically for my mom and me.

And if my current situation wasn’t hard enough to handle, life decided to sucker punch me again yesterday. Roxy, my dog who is a 13-year-old Basenji mix, had surgery two weeks ago to remove a lump from her back. It was successful and she’s back to her bouncy self.

The vet sent the lump to be tested and called me yesterday. Roxy has an aggressive form of cancer that is not curable. Any treatment would just be to control it as best as they can. Because of her age, the harshness of the treatment, and a couple of other factors, I’ve made the decision to keep her as comfortable and happy as I can for as long as possible.

I truly was not expecting to hear that it was cancer. I immediately broke down and sobbed and a dear coworker and friend came down to my office to be with me as I cried. It’s just so much to deal with on top of everything else going on. I mean, how much can one person take?

I am grateful for my friends and community. I don’t think I would have made it this far without their love and support.

Also, handling all of this mess does get me brownie points for that Book of Life thing, right? Because it totally should.