Day 96

Truths

I like to say that I’m a survivor.
My mangled mind has tried to kill me more than once.
I’m still here.
I know I’m in a better place than I was many years ago.
But I’m not sure right now.
I want to say that I don’t occasionally dream of knives slicing through my skin.
I’d be lying if I said that.
I want to say I have a good head on my shoulders.
I’d be lying if I said that.
I force myself out of my comfort zone, knowing that’s the only way I can live a full life.
I want to say that I can trust people after what happened.
I’d be lying if I said that.
I want to say that I’m okay.
I’d be lying if I said that.
Logically I know I am not to blame, many factors were in play.
Life is made of experiments and mistakes.
Just because it went wrong once, I shouldn’t stop trying.
I let my guard down and pushed myself forward and I made a mistake and that’s okay.
But my mind won’t let it go and won’t stop replaying the scene.
If I close my eyes, each step is played in slow motion, over and over and over again.
I take a magnifying glass, trying to see what I missed.
I want to say that this will not haunt me for the days and weeks and months to come.
I want to say that I will make peace with it and move forward.
I want to say it will not prevent me from venturing out.
I want to say that I will still take those leaps of faith willingly.
I want to say that I will figure this all out and be a survivor.
I want to say that I believe all these things, but
I’d be lying if I said that.

Written by Anjelica N. Ruiz