Day 193

If I’m awake, my brain is whirring at a thousand miles an hour, cycling through things I have to do, events I don’t want to remember, second-guessing, and on and on. It can be overwhelming and detrimental to my sleep patterns. I’ve been trying to learn how to turn this nonstop noise off or at least tune out what I don’t need at the moment. It’s hard and I don’t think I’m doing a good job of describing just how difficult it is sometimes to do simple things. I can be reading a book and all of a sudden I’m remembering what happened years ago, some event that might be related to whatever I’m reading.

I’ve shared that I am a suicide attempt survivor. I think part of why I tried to commit suicide is that I was completely engulfed in the constant noise in my head. When you combine that with normal teenage angst, high school, and lingering unresolved grief from my grandma’s death, it’s a perfect recipe for a breakdown.

I’m definitely not on the road to a breakdown, but I was just thinking about this today.