Day 189

I don’t know what to write tonight. I feel like I’ve been a burning bundle of nerves since April and I’m just trying to make it through each day. Some days are easier than others. I’m consciously trying to find different outlets for this nervous energy, which does seem to help.

These days I feel a heavy responsibility for my mom. She’s still working and is still independent in many ways, but there are some things she can’t do anymore and asking for help is not her strongest characteristic. I think I’m hitting that flip-flopping of the parent-child relationship earlier than most of my peers since I’m an only child and my mom and I are still trying to figure out what that means for us as individuals. Our relationship is changing and my mom just isn’t taking it so well that she’s getting older and needs more help. And me? I’m internally panicking about what it means to be the caretaker and worrying if I’m hovering over her too much or not doing enough.

The fact that home and work/my community feel like completely different worlds doesn’t help any of this. Weekdays are devoted mostly to my job and the different activities I’m pursuing and the weekends are dedicated to helping my mom with errands and spending time with her.

I don’t want anyone to think that I’m depressed all the time or that I resent my mom because that’s really not the case. I’m just trying to do the best I can and it just seems a little harder lately but I’ll pull through like I always do.