Elul

Laying It All Out There

If you’re reading this, you may have noticed that I haven’t posted in a couple of days. I keep getting completely overwhelmed and my usual coping mechanisms haven’t been effective lately.

Thursday was particularly rough and ended with my mom half-cradling me while I cried. I’m so grateful for her because she’s gotten me through so much and continues to be my biggest source of support. This woman has enough on her plate with the cancer diagnosis and other things, yet she was the one letting me blubber into her arms while she tried to comfort me. She’s the strongest person I know.

On Friday, I realized that I need to start stepping back from some things and refocus on my priorities, which are my mom, my own health, and work. In that vein, I stepped down from a leadership role in a professional organization and I’ll need to scrutinize any opportunities that come up to see if I truly have the bandwidth. It also means postponing my plans to apply for grad school and putting a pause on applying for fellowships. I do worry that this will damage my career, but as a rabbi once told me, other opportunities will come along when it’s the right time.

After a huge mental health win only a few months ago, I also recognize that I will likely need to go back on my medication to manage my stress and anxiety. To be honest, I’m devastated that this is necessary, but I know that I need to take care of myself so that I can take care of my mom.

I have to keep reminding myself to not worry about the big picture things, but to focus on the task and do a little bit at a time. If I don’t, then I will keep getting overwhelmed and that will paralyze me. I also need to give myself a little bit of grace. It’s hard, but I’m working on it.

Breathe in, breathe out and take it one day at a time.

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