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To Eliza

Dear Eliza,

You have been in the world almost five days and yet you have completely changed my life. When I found out I was pregnant back in September, I could barely believe it. As you grew in my belly, the anticipation and anxiety within me did too. My body changed, which I had a hard time with at the beginning, but it was all for you and I eventually stopped fretting so much. I cried when I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and admitted into the hospital because I felt like I had failed you. I just wanted you to be safe and healthy and in my arms. The last few weeks of my pregnancy were hard at times, but I was so excited to know you were coming soon. 

Your birth didn’t exactly go as I had hoped. I had to be induced, but when that wasn’t progressing and the doctor expressed concern, we pivoted to a c-section. I was so scared, but your papa was right there, holding my hand and telling me everything was going to be okay. I watched his eyes light up when he saw you for the first time and that’s when I knew you had made it. I cried again when you were placed in my arms, I just couldn’t believe you were finally in the world. 

Eliza, you are the most perfect thing I’ve helped create in my life. This time last year I felt so completely broken from losing my mom, your grandma, and so much certainty that I had once had. I was trying to be okay with the possibility that I might not ever find someone and have my own family. But then I met your papa and everything happened so fast. I didn’t even think I was going to be able to get pregnant without medical help but you were an unexpected miracle. You were born on your papa’s sobriety anniversary and the day after my birthday, which is fitting seeing how much happiness and hope you have brought each of us. 

Your grandma would have loved seeing and holding you. I know she would have spoiled you rotten and cooed over how absolutely adorable you are. I wish you could have met her. But you are already loved by so many people and they are so excited to meet you. You also have an amazing big brother and big sister and I can’t wait to see you grow up with them. 

I promise to be the best mama I can be for you. I won’t always get it right and I’ll be learning right there alongside you, but I will always keep trying my best. I already love you so much. 

Love, 

Mama

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