One Month

Dear Eliza, 

You are one month old today and what a whirlwind it’s been. It seems like just yesterday we were finally bringing you home from the NICU. You’ve brought so much more joy into our lives and I love watching you with your papa and siblings. 

There were countless times during these first few weeks when I felt overwhelmed and panicked about my ability to take care of and raise you. Often, after taking a shower, I would cry quietly in the bathroom and keep asking out loud how my mom, your grandma, was able to do this on her own. She had help, sure, but she didn’t have an active partner like I do with your papa and he is the main reason I made it through this first month. He kept reassuring me, held me when I cried, told me I was being a good mom even if I didn’t feel like one, and forced me to get some rest. 

There were also times when I would be alone with you and I would cry. It may sound silly, but I didn’t want you to think that you were the cause, so I talked to you and said that I was just having some trouble adjusting to all the changes and was worried I wasn’t being a good mom for you. I also desperately miss your grandma and wish she was here. I understand now how much she loved me. You are so incredibly precious to me and your papa. I want you to remember that even when I cry or get frustrated, I would never change a thing. I would do this over and over again. 

Your papa and I took you to Temple for the first time this afternoon for Tot Havdalah. You slept through most of it, but you got to meet Rabbi Kim, who will do your naming in a few months. Holding you during the blessing for children was especially meaningful. I look forward to the many Jewish celebrations and milestones that we will celebrate together. 

I want to be the best mom I can be for you. You already have the best papa and I want to make sure you always know how much you are loved.  Here’s to the months and years ahead, I love you so much.



One comment

  1. Hi you are a great mother
    You may have felt that way besides the natural not sure what your doing
    It could have also been a touch of post partum depression.. I’m not trying to compare myself to you, Miriam was also in Nicu because of jandice. I remember talking to the nurse that I felt so helpless she reminded me that I might have a touch of post partum depression . When she said that the light bulb clicked on. You will feel better when you can sleep alittle more and the baby gets older .

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