Day 340

I’ve been procrastinating on writing my vows, even though I was the one who suggested writing our own in the first place. I watched some TikToks to get inspiration, only to end up crying because I got sucked down the wedding video rabbit hole and was reminded once again that my mom won’t be there. I’ve thought about her a lot over the past several days. I wondered what she would think of Stephen and the kids, what advice she would have offered about being in a relationship, how she would have reacted to my pregnancy, what she would have been like as a grandma, if she would have finally agreed to walk me down the aisle, and so much more. I’m making sure there are reminders of her during the wedding, from the tiny butterflies in the ketubah, to the jewelry I’m planning on wearing, to the specially made reserved seating sign for her, to making plans for Maxine to be in some of the pictures, and things I’m still trying to hash out. 

Mom’s spirit will also be reflected in the baby’s names, both her legal and Hebrew name. I also found an empty baby album we’ll use to document the baby’s first year, as well as picture frames that will house the professional family pictures I’m planning on having done when the baby is a few months old. My mom and I never had those kinds of pictures done, something I wish we had, so I’m making sure that our family will have that, me, my soon-to-be husband, both of his kids who I love very much, and the baby. 

Things have sure changed a lot in just a year.