Day 9

Things I didn’t expect:

• The high cost of burying someone
• Financial insecurity as I try to recover from paying out of pocket for my mom’s care
• Anxiety as I wait for the death certificate that will allow me to access my mom’s assets and pay off debts
• Guilt for needing to access those assets
• Shame for how precarious my emotional and financial states are right now
• Constant fear that Roxy, who was recently diagnosed with a second form of cancer, will die, leaving another gaping hole in my heart
• An underlying fear that things will somehow get worse
• The inability to get out of my apartment on the weekends because I just don’t have the energy

I just needed to write all this out because having it constantly floating around in my brain is making it even worse. I am just exhausted.