Day 5

Today was my first day back in the office after two weeks. I had mixed feelings about coming back, but I also knew I needed to get out of the apartment and, as a friend put it, getting back to what is now my new normal. I’ve been to Temple several times in the past two weeks, but it was strictly as a mourner. It’s strange to think that the world has kept going after such a devastating loss for me, but that’s how it works and though I’m technically still in the shiva week, it was time to come back and I’m glad I did.

It has been comforting to talk to people about my mom. There is one story that I’ve been holding close the past couple of weeks, but I’m going to share it now. It’s not a story about my mom while she was alive, which, now that I’m writing that out, sounds weird, but bear with me.

Since I moved, the dogs have benefited from my guilt about them going from a place with a private yard to an apartment. They have a dog walker who comes every weekday to take them out while I’m at work, they have gotten so many toys, and I signed them both up for Bark Box subscriptions, among other things. I was worried about them being alone in the apartment when I’m at work, so I ordered a Furbo, which is a camera that throws treats and can be controlled via app. It worked so well that I ordered a second one. One is in the living area and the other is in the dining area. I also signed up for the Dog Nanny subscription, which gives alerts when the dogs are barking, howling, crying, and when a person is spotted. You cannot see either camera from the bedroom. This is important.

The first few nights after my mom died were rough. I couldn’t sleep (and that hasn’t changed much) and so I was up pretty late. I was in my bedroom, comfort watching Try Guys videos and reading and generally trying to keep it together (and failing.) I got the usual notifications when the dogs barked, but I also kept getting alerts that a person had been spotted. I reviewed the videos each time and did not see a person or anything that could be mistaken for a person. For some reason, the first explanation that popped into my head was that it was my mom in spirit form coming to check on the dogs to make sure I’m taking care of them or maybe she was saying goodbye. That comforted me a lot because it is something that I would expect my mom to do. Maybe there’s another explanation, but that’s the one I choose to believe.

I just really miss my mom.

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