In October 2020, I posted an entry where I said that I had just come to a point where I knew who I was and what I wanted and then the pandemic came and flipped everything upside down. I was mourning the certainty I once had and grasping onto whatever routine and familiar things I could to steady myself. I still had a complete meltdown.
I was on TikTok again and something I read stopped me cold. It basically said that when a parent dies, you are not the same person you once were. I’m tired. I don’t want to have to keep changing and adapting. I want to be secure in myself again and I’m not and I don’t know when or if that will ever change.