I’ve been wondering if I’ve idealized my relationship with my mom and brushed over the hard parts when I talk to people about her. Our relationship was not perfect and it definitely went through some rough times. She was infuriatingly stubborn at times, which is something I inherited from her. She could be emotionally closed off and refused to talk about certain things, even if it pertained to or affected me as well. Still, we were close and she was my primary source of emotional support, at least until she had the accident. I don’t know why this has been on my mind. Maybe it’s because I keep thinking of things I wish I had told her or times when I was not nice to her.
I managed to fall asleep relatively early last night, only to wake up around midnight to a terrible pain in my stomach. I tried everything I could think of, but nothing helped and all I wanted to do was call my mom. I finally managed to get back to sleep around 3 or 4 am. I feel like a little girl every time I don’t know what to do, but I’m not a little girl anymore, I’m a grown woman. Clearly, I am (not) excelling at this adulting thing.