Today was mostly okay, except for those moments when I remembered Mom is no longer here, which throws me off. When I do cry, one of the things I keep thinking is ”I can’t do this without you, Mama.” She would be so mad if she heard me say that. She always told me I would be all right when she was gone. I just miss her terribly.
Seeing certain members of my extended family on Thursday has also affected my already fragile emotional state. I don’t want to go into details, not yet anyway, but suffice it to say that I clearly have some unhealed trauma that I thought I had dealt with.
During the burial and memorial services, I kept closing my eyes and thinking ”This is not real, this is not happening, this is someone else who died and when I open my eyes, Mom will be standing there.” But, of course, when I opened my eyes, it was real and I was saying goodbye to my mom.
Asking for help has never been my strong suit, but I am trying to change that because I know I can’t get through this alone.