Day 10

I had a bad breakdown last night and cried for my mom. I’ve been pretty good at keeping it together in public but it’s a different story at home. I did manage to shake myself out of it long enough to do some laundry and clean the apartment.

I’m taking Roxy to the oncologist tomorrow for a consultation to see if she’s a candidate for an injection to treat the mast cell tumor on her back paw. When she had the tumor on her back removed in September, the vet said she would probably be okay through the summer. The injection may not prolong her life, but as long as it helps her quality of life, that’s all that matters.

I’ve been going to Shabbat services so I can recite Kaddish but the service doesn’t bring me any comfort right now. I deliberately don’t sing during Hashkiveinu or Mi Shebeirach because what’s the point? I’m really only going because I need the ritual of reciting Kaddish and I want to honor my mom, but at least I’m going. My heart is just not in the rest of the service like it used to be.

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