I don’t know what I expected to be doing on the last night of the Jewish year, but curling up into a ball and sobbing while my dog tried to comfort me by licking my face was definitely not on that list.
My mom was finally transferred to a residential care home on Thursday. She is not adjusting well and she lobbed some choice words at me over the phone on Friday that just drained me. I couldn’t get myself to go to Shabbat services or even watch the livestream. I’m just grateful that the staff at the home are caring for and not giving up on her. I feel relief knowing she’s in good hands, but I am a blubbering mess agonizing over the words she said to me, even though I know she didn’t mean them.
At a meeting a couple of weeks ago, someone asked what we were looking forward to in the new year and I was at a loss. I mumbled something about starting my graduate program in February, but what I really wanted to say was that I was too afraid to think about the good things because I don’t want to get my hopes up.
While I long to be surrounded by community, I also don’t want to be a burden. I know that’s irrational, but I worry that my prolonged sadness affects the people around me and I don’t want that. It’s almost a guarantee that I’ll cry during services tomorrow night and I am ashamed of how badly I’m handling all this emotion.
I went to the mall today to find a dress for Rosh Hashanah, which is something I normally would have done with my mom. I found a dress, one that is brighter than I normally wear. I figured I should bring in the new year with something light and airy, which is in stark contrast to how I feel.
I don’t know what I hope for in 5783. I feel so broken and it feels almost impossible to glue myself back together. I know that I will heal eventually, but it’s hard to believe that most days. I’ll get there, it will just take time.
L’Shana Tovah tikatevu.
My hope is the New Year brings you some peace, in between the bad days. May the better days become more frequent as the year goes on. Know you are loved and never a burden.