2020 was all about tearing up my routines and expectations.
2021 was about dodging life’s curveballs constantly.
2022 seems to be a freaking superstorm with rare and cherished moments of peace and happiness.
I can’t tell you how many times someone has told me to have faith, think positively, pray harder, etc, etc. I know the intentions are good and they are trying to help. I’ve been trying everything I can to get through the past few weeks and I just don’t want to hear any of that anymore.
I told someone a few weeks ago that I become wary when anything seems to be going well, that I’m constantly hoping for the best, but expecting the worse. It’s exhausting. I know I shouldn’t think that way, but my life is so ridiculous right now and reads like a bad novel.
My mom is doing better, but I know she’s not coming home. She will go into a skilled nursing facility and that’s a decision I’ve agonized over. I simply cannot provide everything she needs while also working full time and trying to live my own life. I feel like a failure, even though I know this is the best way to care for her. It’s just hard to accept.
Today wasn’t a good day and there were definitely times when I wanted to scream until I passed out. There were also moments when I had to fight back tears. I know it’s good to get the tears out and that holding them in only causes more stress, but I am tired of crying. Even now, as I write this from my couch, I still don’t feel any kind of peace. I feel broken and I’m trying desperately to fix that.
I am lucky to be in this community. No matter what happens, I know my community will still be here for me. I know they will support me no matter how messy and disastrous my life seems. In a time when everything seems to be rapidly changing and shifting, that is something I can always count on.
During services tonight, I found myself looking around the chapel. I saw so much love and felt so much peace there. I have a group of friends that I sit with and the music has become like a weighted blanket that brings me comfort. The words of the prayers added an additional layer of protection and watching everyone’s faces reminded me of how grateful I am to have found Judaism and this family. No matter how ridiculous and shitty my life gets, no matter how broken and unfixable I feel, I know I still have that and I will hang onto it for dear life.