Today’s View From Motherhood

I’ve been meaning to make an update about my entry into motherhood, but I’ve been completely overwhelmed and exhausted, but mostly in love with my little girl. The last ten weeks have been full of joy, sleep deprivation, and steep learning curves, but I wouldn’t change a thing.

• I’ve had to completely change my diet for Eliza. She was really fussy and uncomfortable and the pediatrician said it may be an intolerance to dairy and soy. I cut both out of my diet so I could continue giving her breast milk. I was super cranky about that at the beginning, but I pushed ahead and I’m so glad I did. Plus, I’m eating much better now and cooking almost all of my meals, so my health will probably appreciate that in the long run. 
• I tried breast feeding but it wasn’t in the cards for us. It stressed both of us out so much and that wasn’t healthy, so I pump exclusively now. While I’m sad that it didn’t work out, the upside is that Stephen has been able to help a lot more with feeding and we can share that bonding. 
• I worried that I wasn’t doing enough to support Eliza’s development and bond with her. When talking with my therapist one day, I realized that I had an idealized vision in my head of how I was going to do that. I had all sorts of plans to read books to her every day, use apps to do all kinds of activities, etc. I do some of that, but sometimes just simply sitting with her and talking or singing is enough. Stephen turned on Yo Gabba Gabba for her the other day and she was fascinated, so that will also be something we do every once in a while. She’s more alert and curious about the world around her now. She can hold her head up for longer periods of time and is now babbling and cooing. Every time she smiles, it melts my heart. I love that little girl so much. 
• Buying Eliza clothes and toys has been an unexpected joy. I understand now how my mom must have felt when she bought me that stuff. I just want to give her everything and support her development, as well as instill the sense of wonder and love of learning that my mom did for me. 
• Watching Stephen with Eliza has made me fall even more in love with him. I love watching him with his older kids too, but there’s something different about how he is with her. He loves using different voices and making funny faces at her and she is delighted by that. He has a different way of interacting with her than me and it makes me so happy that she has him. She is growing up with a loving papa and siblings and that’s already so different than how I grew up. 
• I go back to work in a couple of weeks and I have mixed emotions about that. It’s been wonderful to be in a little bubble with Eliza and it will be hard to leave her. But I am ready to get back into the world. It’ll just be an adjustment. 
• After a lot of back and forth, I finally decided to take a year off from teaching religious school. This past year had its challenges, but I really love teaching and it was hard to give that up. It came down to the fact that this coming year will be busy with the addition of Eliza and the last two semesters of my grad program, among other things, and I needed to lighten the load somehow. Selfishly, I didn’t want to give it up because it felt like a part of myself that I would be losing and I was already worried about losing myself in motherhood, but ultimately I just want that precious time with Eliza and my family. As many have pointed out, I can always pick it back up, but I can’t get that time with family back. 
• She starts in the preschool next month too. I’m so excited for her, but also nervous. I know she’ll be in good hands, I just worry about her adjusting to a new routine, but honestly I’ll probably be more of a wreck than she will. I got a jury summons for the same day the preschool starts and I deferred that so quickly because there’s no way I’m missing her first day. 

Life has changed so much and I’m so grateful.