Day 197

I was a bit hesitant to go to services tonight. I bolted out of the chapel last year when the cantor offered “Song for the Divine Mother of the Universe” as an alternative to Avinu Malkeinu and ended up crying in the foyer, with two friends following closely behind to comfort me. When I saw that the same song was going to be offered, a lot of emotions bubbled up.

Mom was transferred to the residential care home a couple of days before Rosh Hashanah last year. The transition was terrible. She was screaming and yelling and crying, telling me I was a horrible person for putting her there. I know she didn’t mean it, she just couldn’t comprehend and process things like she used to and she was scared. The one year anniversary of her moving there is next week.

I had a terrible time last night. I kept going back and forth between my bed and the couch, trying to get some sleep. I just couldn’t turn my brain off and I cried. I miss Mom so much.

I initially wanted to buy a new dress for Rosh Hashanah, but I just didn’t have the energy or patience to do it. I decided to wear the same dress and shoes I did last year, along with most of the same jewelry. I hadn’t put on the dress since last year and every time I saw it in my closet, I would remember how terribly 5783 started and how lost and broken I felt. But I decided that it was time to associate it with a new, happy memory, if that makes any sense.

I did cry during the song and at several points during the service, but I stayed. I may be going through another wave of grief, but I’m staying afloat. I’m surrounded by a lot of love and that’s all I can ask for as 5784 begins.

Love me mother and make me brave,
In my dreams,
Or on this stage,
Oh, mother this world is strange

Tell me mother can you hear me sing?
Your love is everything,
Heart and soul,
Breath and skin
Your love is everything