Day 129

The thing about depression is that it lies to you. It twists everything around to make you feel like nothing. It tells you that you’re alone, a waste of space, you don’t deserve anything good in your life. I wish I could say that after 25+ years of battling depression, taking various combinations of antidepressants before finding the right one, and spending countless hours in therapy that I always know what to do when the depression hits hard. Most of the time, I’m able to find or call someone who can help or my coping mechanisms kick in and I’m able to get through the episode relatively unscathed. 

But sometimes I just cry. Sometimes it’s the quiet crying as I curl up into a ball and wish I could disappear at that moment. Sometimes it helps if someone just sits with me as I cry, as my mom would so often do. But sometimes it’s the gut wrenching kind of crying, the type where I’m shaking and screaming into a pillow or blanket or whatever will muffle the sounds. During this, my brain turns traitorous, telling me I’m utterly alone, that the good things in my life will be taken away, that no one really cares about me. The worst part is that I know these are lies, but I keep second guessing myself. 

I had a gut wrenching crying episode last night. I don’t know what brought it on, but it was awful. I screamed into my blanket until my throat hurt. When I used to have these types of intense breakdowns, I would usually run to my mom, who would sit with me and assure me everything would be okay. Once she went into the hospital last July, I was alone whenever I cried that hard and now I’m reluctant to do it in front of anyone. No one needs to see me when I’m like that, because nothing I do makes sense and I don’t want to subject anyone to my nonsense. I know that seems odd, given that I’m sharing this on the internet, but writing has always been the way I can best express myself and work through stuff. 

I’m doing much better today. I did cry this morning, but it was more of the quiet crying. I don’t really understand what’s going on, just that I really fucking hate my brain sometimes.