Night 3

There’s a picture of Mom and me in front of a Christmas tree at my grandma’s house. I must be two or three and I’m playing with my new toys, while Mom is watching me and smiling. I never really gave much thought as to how she must have felt in that moment, not until tonight. 

Stephen and I took Eliza to the congregational Hanukkah celebration tonight. I love this particular Shabbat service because everyone is encouraged to bring their hanukiyah and we light them together. The lights in the chapel are turned off and we’re surrounded by the glow of Hanukkah candles. It’s a beautiful experience and I was excited to take Eliza, especially since I ended up making this year’s hanukiyah, which was dragon themed. 

As we lit the candles, surrounded by community, I could feel the tears welling up as I watched Eliza. I don’t really know how to describe how I felt in that moment, it was just an overwhelming feeling of love and gratitude and sudden understanding of how Mom must have felt watching me play in front of that Christmas tree so many years ago. Mom and I had many things in common, but the one thing that stands out right now is that we both thought we wouldn’t have children. But, by some miracle, we did. 

I miss her so much.