Night 1

It’s the second holiday season without Mom. It’s been full of beautiful firsts: our first professional family photoshoot, first family road trip, first preschool Hanukkah party, and many more. My stepdaughter put up Christmas and Hanukkah decorations, including ornaments that Mom and I put up on our Christmas tree during my childhood that hadn’t been out in many years. It was both wonderful to relive some happy memories and bittersweet because it was a reminder that Mom isn’t here. 

All five of us spent the day at my in-laws’ home, where we exchanged presents, ate lunch, and enjoyed each other’s company. It’s been an eventful year and being able to watch Eliza celebrate her first holiday season surrounded by people who love her has been wonderful. 

When Mom died almost two years ago, I never would have imagined this is where I would end up. I ended up crying a couple of nights ago because I miss her so much and it hurts that she’s not here to meet and hold Eliza. She would have loved her so much and spoiled her rotten. A part of me feels immense guilt that I wasn’t able to give her that experience of being a grandparent. I show Eliza pictures of her all the time and talk about Grandma in the hopes that she’ll be able to feel a tiny bit of the love my mom would have given her. When she’s a little older, I’ll give her some of the presents Mom saved for future grandchildren and continue sharing stories about her. 

Still, despite the sadness I feel, I am incredibly grateful for this family, my friends, and my community. The ways in which I’ve been loved and supported are too numerous to recount. Nothing I can write will ever truly capture how thankful I am. I don’t know what I did to deserve any of this, especially Stephen, the love of my life and the person who gave me this beautiful little family. 

When we were lighting the Hanukkah candles tonight, we saw a cardinal fly to the bird feeder on our patio. Stephen once told me that seeing a cardinal is thought to be a sign that a deceased love one is near or sending a message. I like to think that this was Mom flying in to watch me with the family that I always wanted and thought was out of reach. Maybe she wanted to take a peek at Eliza, who is growing so fast and has a distinct personality that brings us so much joy and laughter. Maybe she wanted to remind me that even though she’s gone, she’s always with me in spirit and even though I feel unsure about my ability to be a good mom, I’m doing just fine. I hope she’s proud of me and this life I’ve built.