Day 366

Today marks exactly a year, 366 days, since Mom was buried. A year ago, I watched her coffin be lowered into the ground, nearly had a panic attack that was prevented by Rabbi Stern quietly reminding me to breathe, and then threw sand from Israel in, followed by dirt. I saw family that I hadn’t seen in years and haven’t seen since. I gave a eulogy at her memorial service and cried throughout the service. A coworker brought me dinner that night and I remember curling up on the couch and thinking about how I was an orphan because I no longer had a parent alive. I am so grateful for my friends and community. They got me through that dark time and without them, I’m not sure what would have happened. 

So much has changed since then. Roxy died two months later, but I fell in love, got pregnant, got engaged and very recently got married. I moved to a bigger apartment and have two wonderful stepkids. While I’m apprehensive about giving birth, just because there’s so much unknown to me, I’m also excited to expand my family. 

This year of mourning has taught me a lot. It showed me who I could truly count on and lean on during the worst time of my life. It strengthened my faith and determination to live the life that I want and step outside my comfort zone. While I lost a lot, I gained so much more. There was a lot of sadness, but also so much unexpected joy and laughter. I miss Mom and I always will, but as Judaism teaches, life goes on. I can hold the joy and the sorrow and not feel guilty about it. I’m about to bring new life into the world and I have a responsibility to my little girl to live fully. I’m so excited to go through the Jewish lifecycles and rituals with her. I’m looking forward to enjoying this beautiful family I am a part of and also remembering and honoring Mom along the way. I know things won’t always be easy, but with Stephen and our family, my friends, and my community, I feel more than confident that we’ll get through whatever comes our way. Mom would be so happy to hear that from me. 

Mama, your memory continues to be a blessing.