Day 361

I found out I was pregnant almost seven months after Mom died. I had been on the fence about having children for a long time before I met Stephen and then it was like a switch flipped. We had some close calls during the first few months and each time the test came back negative, I was upset, which confused me a lot. I think finally meeting someone I could envision co-parenting with and seeing him with his own kids finally showed me that I was capable of being a mom. 

After I confirmed that I was indeed pregnant (after four home tests and an official test at my primary care physician), it took a couple of weeks for it to kick in that Mom wouldn’t be here to guide me. I see this pregnancy as a sort of miracle, considering it came after she died and after being told multiple times in my twenties that it would be difficult to conceive without medical help for a variety of reasons. My friends and community, as well as Stephen’s family, have been a great support as I navigate this new phase of my life. My identity is shifting and while I’ve been scared that I’ll lose myself as I work my way into motherhood, I’m finding that I may not need to worry about that so much. Yes, things will change, as they must, but Stephen and my friends are committed to helping me out however I need. My own mental and emotional strength and stability has surprised me during this pregnancy, highlighting just how much I’ve grown thanks to the many years of therapy and medication I’ve gone through. I’m really thankful for that.