An Unexpected Wave
I had an unexpected reaction to grieving my mom today. I don’t really understand why it happened, as I thought I had made peace with the circumstances leading up to and surrounding her decline and death. I suppose this is one of those unexpected waves that hits you hard and out of nowhere. It probably doesn’t help that I’m also sick and craving comfort food from the Mexican restaurants we used to frequent in Oak Cliff that I haven’t had in over a year and a half. I cried for Mom in the bathroom and it really didn’t help me feel better, which is what I had hoped it would do.
I miss her so much and think of her every day. I have so many questions that will never be answered and every time a picture of her pops up on my phone or the new digital photo frame in our living room, my heart aches a little. I feel guilty that Eliza won’t ever meet her and only has living grandparents on her papa’s side. I’ve had several dreams with Mom in them, mostly benign or even good, but some have been heartbreaking to the point that I don’t even want to think about them.
For whatever reason, guilt, a new softness that Eliza has brought me, or a desire to start anew, I reached out to several family members I haven’t seen since Mom’s funeral and memorial service to invite them to Eliza’s naming next month. I don’t expect the majority of them to attend, but it felt like the right thing to do. Someone mentioned to me that it’s good to let go of those hurt feelings, but that’s not why I did it. It’s not like what happened in the past is something I’ve held onto and let affect my life negatively; my life was simply overwhelming and I had to make choices about what brought me some peace and what I needed to let go of for my own sanity. Don’t get me wrong, I will never forget what’s happened in the past and I will always hold some hurt and resentment from that time, but it just felt like I needed to reach out. I don’t expect things to go back to how it was or, as I mentioned, for them to even show up, but at least I tried. I also felt no need to explain my thought process behind the invitation, I just simply sent it.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day or, at the very least, I will be free of this cough.
Hi Angelica, I’m sorry you are sick. Those waves of grief come and go. I understand the guilt that comes my mom has been gone a long time and I still have feelings of guilt for my mom and dad.of when I wasn’t there and my mom laid outside all day until my dad came home from work . I just lived down the street. I feel guilt over my dad bc he was home for hospice for 1week. The doctor and hospice nurse would not allow me to give him anything to eat or drink. I still feel like a might have hurried him along. There are more times of happy memories than sad. You are doing great and everything you are feeling is normal I guess from my perspective. I wish the other relatives just one imparticular that still doesn’t acknowledge me. I’ve had to let go. It’s crazy I know. Anyway I love you and I can’t wait to meet Eliza. I miss your mom too. I miss talking to her and laughing with her. We had fun .