Day 48

It’s been a strange day.

I came into work, caught up on email, and started packing the archives for the renovations and move. It’s been a pretty typical day and the only noticeable differences were coworkers hugging me and expressing their condolences for this new loss.

I desperately needed sleep last night, so I took a warm bath, followed by the medicine my psychiatrist prescribed a while back. I hate taking anything for sleep, but I’ve been exhausted and yesterday’s events just really drained me. It was, thankfully, a pretty dreamless sleep.

A school bus stops in front of my apartment every day and around 7:40 am, some kids hang out in front waiting for the bus. I always knew when she started barking at them, it meant it was close to 8 am. Maxine took up the mantle this morning and her booming bark was what finally made me decide to get up.

My apartment and life feels so much emptier. I mean, I wasn’t exactly doing great before, but now it’s just compounded by this new hole in my heart. But my life isn’t empty, it’s full of wonderful friends and a caring community, but living in a world without my mom is just different and I obviously need more time to adjust.

At this moment, my life/mood/aura/whatever-this-is can be summed up by the text I sent a friend yesterday:

I’m exhausted. How much more am I going to lose?