Day 43

I attended the bris for a friend and coworker’s new baby boy today. It was a sweet ceremony and the new parents were beaming. I cried during the ceremony, mostly because of the heartfelt speeches and beautiful moments, but there was another reason I was crying. I couldn’t help but think of my mom and all the milestones she won’t be here for.

I didn’t date for a very long time because of my fears and trauma from past sexual assaults, but I did start trying again within the last year. I even had a couple of relationships, but they didn’t last. I feel guilty that I waited so long because now my mom will never see me get married or have children. It almost feels like I deprived her of those experiences. I know she wouldn’t see it that way and, frankly, it was a good thing that I waited to start dating again until I was emotionally stronger, but the guilt is still there.

It feel so strange living in a world without my mom.